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Kristin Cavallari’s Cookbook-Chickpea Fries

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Amazon recommends a lot of cookbooks to me because I buy a lot of cookbooks.  I don’t want to say I’m a cookbook addict…because I recently heard an interview with the “Friday Night Lights” author Buzz Bisinger who spoke about his addiction to leather fetish-wear, that was costing him upwards of $600,000 a year. He classified himself as having a shopping addiction.  I’m not quite there yet, but I did unwittingly buy a cookbook written by a reality star.

Let me start be saying the recipes look good.  However, I was unprepared for after page of Kristin Cavallari’s bra-lessness, it confused me. I wondered, “why is this super sexy, yet-vanilla looking chef wearing an unzipped denim romper in a greenhouse?  This page should have a picture of apple-fennel slaw on it, right?”  Then I saw her husband–uncomfortable and thick-necked.  He has to be a football player or something.

I’m not complaining.  It’s fine.  Simply put:  this cookbook is for you’d like nice recipes, and lots of pictures of a very attractive mother-of-three living in the Nashville area.

Chickpea Fries-I have modified this recipe to utilise ingredients I had available in my home.  If you would like the original recipe, contact Kristin Cavallari.

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  • 1 cup chickpea flour
  • 2 cups chicken stock
  • 1 1/2 TBS finely minced shallot
  • 1 tsp Italian seasoning
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • ground black pepper
  • oil for frying
  1. Put all the ingredients except for frying oil in a saucepan.
  2. Whisk and heat over a medium flame until the mixture is thick, like polenta.
  3. Pour mixture into a greased 24cmx16cm (9inx6in) pan.
  4. Refrigerate and hour or so, or until firm.
  5. Cut into thick fry shape.
  6. Heat a few tablespoons of oil and fry the chickpea strips for 2 minutes per side.
  7. Sprinkle with salt, and serve.

Nutritional Information:  (Based on 8)

  • Calories: 183
  • Fat: 16.1
  • Carbs: 7.1
  • Protein: 4.9

 

 

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Coconut and palm sugar mochi

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*I bought this, and used it while I FaceTimed my sister.  My nose bled.

Not long ago, I visited a department store selling imported Japanese goods.  My primary objective was to collect cute bento accessories.  (Turned on?)

Unfortunately, I had no luck.  The store was 90 percent beauty products: anti-wrinkle, anti-acne, anti-moustache, anti-freckle.  There were skin lighteners, skin tanners, tooth whiteners, mouth wideners, pore strippers, ankle slimmers, cellulite fighters, eyebrow shapers, and nose hair removing kits.  It occurred to me, that in my case, it was too late.  The only way I would stop being hideous was to travel back to 1984 and implore my parents to put sunscreen on me before being left at an outdoor pool in Depew from sun-up to sun-down for five consecutive summers.

Anyway, I moved on.  I put my hands up, like horse blinders, and shielded myself from the cosmetics section while I frantically searched for cookery.  What I found, instead, was men’s beauty.  It consisted of soap, toothpaste, razors, and vaseline.

Coconut and Palm Sugar Mochi (makes 10)

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  • 130 grams glutinous rice flour
  • pinch of salt
  • 7-8 TBS coconut milk
  • 1/4-1/2 tsp coconut/vanilla/green tea extract/pandan-or flavouring of your choice
  • palm sugar (needs to be real palm sugar)  rolled into small marble sized balls (I softened my palm sugar in the microwave to make it easier to manage.)
  • coconut/sesame/crushed peanut/crushed almond, or coating of your choice.  Surprise yourself.
  1. Get a pot of water boiling.
  2. Mix the salt and glutinous rice flour together.
  3. Add the coconut milk, a little at a time, until you have a workable dough.  It should not stick to your hands, but don’t let it get super dry either.
  4. At this point, I weigh my dough, and divide the mixture into 10 equal sized balls.
  5. Now, make sure the water is boiling before you add your filling.  Once you fill your mochi, you want to put it into the boiling water immediately.  Don’t put it down on a plate, as the filling may settle to the bottom, or the dough will stick.
  6. Take your dough ball, make an indent with your thumb, and place your filling inside.  Carefully cover the filling with the dough and roll to make sure it is sealed.
  7. Drop the ball into the boiling water and give a quick stir.
  8. Make the rest of the balls.
  9. The balls are done when the float completely on the surface.  Once they rise, give them an extra 2-3 minutes.
  10. Roll in coating of your choice.
  11. Also, experiment with flavors, fillings, and coatings.  Have it your way, baby!

 

Nutritional Information: (Based on 10)

  • Calories:  120
  • Carbs: 19 grams ( Sugar: 6.2 grams)
  • Fat:  4 grams
  • Protein:  2 grams

 

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Cornmeal Toad in the Hole

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Today a doctor asked if he could remove my tattoo…for free.  I won’t bore you with the details, but he caught a glimpse, and asked to see it in its entirety.  It left him speechless for a good forty-five seconds.

“Now listen,” he told me, “this is proven technology, but we need examples.  Before and afters to really show what can be done.  Your tattoo is perfect.”

What was so perfect about the blue, misshapen tree frog spread across my right buttock?  He assumed I wanted it removed, and was incredulous as he watched me grapple with the decision.

“It is hideous,” a part of me reasoned.  But then the other part reasoned, “It is hideous.”

I told him I’d mull it over.  It’s not often a medical professional singles out a girl to right a self-imposed, costly deformity.  For free.  But, then again, it’s my deformity.

Cornmeal Toad in the Hole

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  • 600 grams gluten-free pork sausages
  • 2 onions, sliced
  • a few sprigs thyme
  • 1 TBS olive oil
  • 150 grams polenta
  • 1 tsp sugar
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp bicarbonate of soda
  • 170 grams plain, gluten-free flour (I used Bob’s Red Mill)
  • 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • 284 ml buttermilk
  • 1 large egg
  • 25 grams butter
  1. Heat the oven to 220c/430f
  2. Heat the oil in an oven safe frying pan.  I used a 26cm Le Creuset casserole pan.
  3. Cook the sausages and onion with a sprig of thyme, until the onions are soft and the sausages brown.
  4. Combine the polenta, sugar, salt, bicarbonate of soda, flour, and baking powder.
  5. Mix the buttermilk and egg together, and combine it with the flour mixture.
  6. Remove the sausages and onions from the pan.  Discard the thyme sprigs.
  7. Heat the butter in the casserole pan until melted and slightly bubbling.
  8. Pour most of the cornmeal-flour mixture into the pan.  Add the sausages, and then add the rest of the cornmeal on the top.
  9. Put the casserole pan in the oven and cook for 20-25 minutes.
  10. Serve on its own or with tomato sauce.

Nutritional Information:  Based on six servings

  • calories: 451
  • fat: 25.2
  • carbs: 40.1
  • protein: 15.9

 

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Mochi Madness-and Shark Week Ruined

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*Probably, unfortunately, not real.

How to begin…  I’m going to try to tie together the Stormy Daniels (Stephanie Clifford) interview, the “Unbearably Good! MOCHI Lovers’ Cookbook” by Teresa DeVirgilio-Lam, and the POTUS ruining Shark Week.

Hmm.  I can’t.  Let me tackle these individually.

1.)  Stormy Daniels.  I will, henceforth, refer to her as Stormy Daniels because, in my opinion, the name Stormy Daniels sounds more legitimate than Stephanie Clifford.

I wasn’t going to watch the interview.  I have very little interest in anyone’s sex life, including my own, but I’m also a morbidly curious and disgusting human being.  So…I watched it.

You know what?  I like her.  That woman pulled the short stick in that arrangement, (See what I did there?)  which makes it all the more her story to tell.  Hopefully, Trump arranges to have his lawyer’s third-cousin’s hairdresser pay Daniels a billion dollars so she won’t be tempted to give us the real, south of the border details.  (See what I did there?)

2.)  Teresa DeViirgilio-Lam’s cookbook, “Unbearably Good! MOCHI Lovers’ Cookbook,” is a rare treat.  Dozens of mochi recipes from around the globe, arranged in a handy spiral-bound notebook showcasing a photo from 1997 of DeVirgilio-Lam and her two-year-old triplets in front of a Christmas tree.  In it, she helpfully lists her home address on Honolulu.  My good friend Shawn D. has agreed to visit and report back the precise measurement of a ‘can of coconut milk,’ even though it is his least favorite of the islands.

3.)  I’m coming to terms with the fact that, just like me, a four-hour documentary on shark attacks gets Donald Trump sexually aroused.

Baked Coconut Mochi with Azuki Beans

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  • 565 grams glutinous rice flour
  • 2 cups brown sugar
  • 1 TBS baking soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 can koshian or tsubushian (mine is 430 grams)
  • 800 ml coconut milk
  • 400ml water
  • kinako or potato starch to dust
  1. Preheat oven to 350f/175c.
  2. Grease a 9×13 inch pan.
  3. Mix rice flour, sugar, and baking soda in a large bowl.
  4. Add coconut milk and water, and koshian to flour mixture and stir until will incorporated.
  5. Pour batter into prepared pan and bake for 1 hour.
  6. Remove from oven and cool.
  7. Cut into pieces and roll in the kinako or potato starch.

*Listen.  This makes so much mochi.  I can’t describe it.  It’s nuts.  It’s like that story about that guy who finds the magic pasta pot and drowns his village in pasta.

Nutritional Information: (1 serving)

  • Calories:  6,745
  • Fat:  139 grams
  • Carbs:  1,180 grams
  • Protein:  50 grams
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Gochujang Meatloaf and…Happy Easter

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This recipe is not my own.  It’s very closely adapted from the meatloaf recipe in Da-Hae and Gareth West’s cookbook, “K Food.”  It’s delicious.  The best meatloaf, hands down, I’ve ever eaten.  And I like meatloaf.  I’m that kind of person.  Wide-hipped, American, quick to violence.  But don’t let that deter you, this Gochujang meatloaf is for everyone.

Make it immediately.

Also, Happy Easter, Happy April Fool’s Day, and Happy Dyngus Day.  I hope you all dream of a 2001 Jake Gyllenhaal whipping your bottom with pussy willows while the rabbit from Donnie Darko watches.

Gochujang Meatloaf

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  • 500 grams minced pork
  • 3 spring onions, minced
  • 6 garlic cloves, minced
  • 1 tsp salt
  • 1.5 TBS gluten-free gochujang (I have a recipe on this site.)
  • pinch of pepper
  • 50 grams fresh gluten free breadcrumbs
  • 1 egg
  1. Preheat the oven to 180c/350f
  2. Mix all the above ingredients and pat into a greased 1lb loaf tin and bake for 40-45 minutes.
  3. Take from the oven, and using a chopstick, poke lots of holes over the top of the meatloaf and pour over the glaze recipe. (Glaze recipe below.)

Glaze Recipe

  • 1.5 TBS apricot jam
  • 1 TBS gochujang
  • .5 TBS honey
  • 1 tsp gluten free soy sauce
  • 1 minced garlic clove
  • 1/4 tsp sesame oil
  • .5 TBS apple cider vinegar
  1. Mix all the ingredients together.
  2. Pour the glaze over the cooked meatloaf, and return to the oven for 10-15 minutes.

Nutritional Information: (4 Servings)

  • calories:  374
  • fat: 21.8
  • carbs: 16.4
  • protein: 28.3

 

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Better than my brother’s-bacon date nuggets

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My brother had one job to do:  pull the delicious date, almond, goat’s cheese, and bacon morsels from the freezer…and cook them in the oven.  Okay.  Two jobs.

It was the last pack.  They’d been discontented.  They were special.  The last of their kind.  I know it’s not a billionth as serious as the last male white rhino dying…but there sure was a heartbreaking feeling of finality when my brother took them, charred and turd-like, from the oven.

Not accepting it was the end, I ate them all.  Not my proudest moment…yet born of that desperate indignity is this recipe.

Make some.  They’re good.

Bacon Date Nuggets

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  • 70 grams blanched almonds
  • 70 grams pitted dates
  • 125 grams goat’s cheese
  • 10-12 slices bacon, cut in half
  1. Preheat the oven to 220c/430f.
  2. Chop almonds and dates in a food processor until combined into little pieces.
  3. Mix goat’s cheese to the mixture with your hands.
  4. Form the mixture into 20 or so oblong nuggets.
  5. Wrap each nugget in half a slice of bacon.
  6. Put them, seam side down, onto a foil lined tray.
  7. Cook 8-12 minutes, but don’t forget about them.

*These can also be frozen, uncooked.  Increase oven time to 10-15 minutes.

Nutritional Information: 20 servings

  • Calories:  75
  • Fat: 4.7 grams
  • Carbs: 6.1 grams
  • Protein: 3.2 grams

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBI3ykGY6Qk

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It’s alright Banana Bread

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Do I like banana bread?  It’s alright.

Anyway.  I’ve had one of those days.  The kind that leeches all life-force and ambition for everything other than looking at google images of Connor Lamb’s terrible haircut.  And since there are fifty things I should have done today, but didn’t, I’m making banana bread with three old and gross bananas.

Bana-ppétit.

Chestnut Banana Bread

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  • 140 g gluten-free plain flour
  • 140 g chestnut flour
  • 1 1/2 tsp gluten-free baking powder
  • 1 tsp xanthan gum
  • 1 tsp gluten-free bicarbonate of soda
  • 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp nutmeg
  • pinch of salt
  • 3 ripe bananas, mashed
  • 115 g salted butter, plus extra for personal greasing
  • 115 g light muscovado sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 90 ml milk
  1. Preheat the oven to 180c/360f.
  2. Grease a loaf tin with your personal stash.
  3. Sift together the flours, baking powder, xanthan, bicarbonate of soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt.
  4. Melt the butter and add the sugar.
  5. Beat the eggs and milk together.
  6. Make a well in the center of the dry ingredients and and add all the wet ingredients.
  7. Mix well, and put into the prepared tin.  Bake for 50-55 minutes, until the bread springs back when lightly touched in the centre.
  8. Leave to cool for 10 minutes before turning out.

Nutritional Information: (12 slices)

  • Calories: 220
  • Protein: 4.5g
  • Carbohydrate: 34.7g
  • Sugar: 19.7g

 

 

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Tostones

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I gave up caffeine for lent, but religious devotion wasn’t a motivating factor. Quite simply, who among us can get through the run up to Easter without some kind of mild deprivation?  I don’t know about you, but that’s how I was raised.

So, like the guilty, superstitious, non-practicing Catholic I am, I did it. I quit.  There were headaches, low-level Ike Turner-esque rages, and going to bed by 8pm.  But, I came out the other side.  Then, this morning, I drank two decaf coffees.  They couldn’t have been decaf though.  Two hours later and I feel like I’m at a rave?  I’m questioning this because I’ve never been to a rave.

Anyway, today I was going to write a review of “The Bad News Bears,” but I can’t.  I’m shaking, stuttering, and all I want to do is make faces in the mirror.

Here’s a tostone recipe.

Tostones

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  • 2 green plantains, peeled and cut into 12-14 even sized chunks
  • 7 TBS avocado oil-or frying oil of your choice
  • salt
  1. Heat up a tablespoon of oil over medium-low heat and cook the plantain for 3-5 minutes per side.
  2. Allow the tostones to cool a bit, then use a plate or tortilla press to flatten them into discs.
  3. Heat two tablespoons of oil over-medium high heat, and add four or so tostones to the pan.
  4. Fry for 1 1/2 to 2 minutes per side, until nice and golden.
  5. Sprinkle with salt, and put on a paper towel lined plate while you make the others.
  6. Repeat the process with remaining tostones.
  7. I served mine with guacamole and prawns, but do whatever you want.  I don’t care.
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Last Rites Hot Cocoa

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A Siberian weather front is blowing through London.  Just a little snow, but legitimately cold.  It’s 22 degrees outside.  Yesterday my kitchen was seventy degrees.  Today it is fifty-eight.  How to fix this?  I moved the heat number higher on the thing on the wall.  I’m wearing everything I own, in every size I’ve ever been.

There’s a book in my bathroom about the real-life stupid ways people have died hiking the mountains of New Hampshire.  Most get lost or injured.  But there are a few stories in there about men in denim jackets who wander off into the woods.  There’s no way to know what their motivations or last thoughts were, but it’s now fifty-seven degrees in my kitchen and I’m not alarmed.  My guess is that they thought, “I’m good. I have a tank top on under this.”

The idea of hapless men in Jordache used to make me laugh.  (Modern feminism.) But now it sort of makes sense.  Who doesn’t feel invincible in a sick denim jacket?  Just like, who would expect to freeze to death in her own kitchen?  As the temperature lowers, I know I’m not going to do anything about it other than eat bounty bars and wrap plastic bags around my torso.  Eventually, a forever sleep will claim me.  Perhaps we all have a ‘man from New Hampshire, in a jean jacket, walking into the woods’ in us.

I’m so cold.

Last Rites Hot Cocoa (1 serving)

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  • 200ml whole milk
  • 1TBS cocoa powder
  • 1-2tsp sugar
  • pinch of salt
  • dash of vanilla
  1. Whisk all ingredients together over a low flame until combined and heated through.
  2. I toss mine in a blender to make it a bit frothy.

Nutritional Information:

  • calories: 189
  • fat: 8.7
  • carbs: 22.2
  • protein: 8.9

 

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A Bountiful Dinner or Party Punch

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This week I passed my UK driving test.  The silver fox who administered the exam said that I ride the brake, but that my roundabouts are excellent.

The relief I feel is so complete, it’s almost crushing.  When I arrived in this country, I got into a taxi and squealed with terror as the driver drove safely around a roundabout.  It didn’t make sense.  They drive on the wrong side of the road for starts…and there’s something gladiatorial about roundabouts.  They’re both circles.

For thirteen years I told myself I couldn’t do it.  But for some reason I decided to try.  It took me over a year from the theory to the practical test.  It took many lessons with a patient instructor. Once he even had to console me as I wept silently,  from the weight of it all, as we drove through Staines.

I know taking a driving test is not stressful in the scheme of things.  It’s not life or death stuff.  There are surgeons operating on little kids, NAVY SEALS rappelling through windows whilst firing machine guns;…Dennis Rodman having to pretend Kim Jong Un is better at at basketball.

I’m still very proud though.

Mini Bounty Bars and an Apple

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I’m tired this week, so this is the fanciest thing I made.  I suggest you try it.  It’s delightful.

Or try this.

Party Punch

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Bon Appetit & Lo Siento